Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
As I remember it
I was sitting on a rock in the middle of a green field beneath a willow tree... I listened to the birds singing there songs of praise as I watched the trees with brilliant colors dance in the wind... I take a deep breath and close my eyes... for a moment everything was right...
as I open my eyes I see the world as dark and cold as my heart... the clouds were black and rain fell as crimson blood drops... and around me was death... the birds no longer sang songs of praise but of hate... the trees no longer danced they burned... a fowl smell filled the air... a tear drops from my chin and landed on a white rose turning it black as night... the petals started to wilt... I close my eyes in fear... praying I will wake from this nightmare...
I hear a whisper... I turned to look for the voice... as I turned towards the voice I see a bright light... I looked beyond it and saw three crosses one of which I saw a crimson river flowing from... I dropped to my knees and started crying asking for forgiveness... a voice as strong as a lions but as sweet as a lambs asked me "Why do you cry my child?" I then turn and tell him what I have done and how I have fallen so far and don't see how I will ever be forgiven... ashamed of what I had told him I looked down and started to weep... he then knelt down and wept with me...
I asked him to please forgive me that I was truly sorry for what I have done... he then rose and said "My dear child... I forgave you when I died on that cross... As I was on that cross... you were on my mind." as I close my eyes I breath deep and a new peace filled my lungs... I then felt a gush of wind hit me bringing me back to reality... I then think of everything I have done and mistakes I may make in the future...
as I start to feel disappointed I remember that Jesus will be there with me through it all... no matter what!
as I open my eyes I see the world as dark and cold as my heart... the clouds were black and rain fell as crimson blood drops... and around me was death... the birds no longer sang songs of praise but of hate... the trees no longer danced they burned... a fowl smell filled the air... a tear drops from my chin and landed on a white rose turning it black as night... the petals started to wilt... I close my eyes in fear... praying I will wake from this nightmare...
I hear a whisper... I turned to look for the voice... as I turned towards the voice I see a bright light... I looked beyond it and saw three crosses one of which I saw a crimson river flowing from... I dropped to my knees and started crying asking for forgiveness... a voice as strong as a lions but as sweet as a lambs asked me "Why do you cry my child?" I then turn and tell him what I have done and how I have fallen so far and don't see how I will ever be forgiven... ashamed of what I had told him I looked down and started to weep... he then knelt down and wept with me...
I asked him to please forgive me that I was truly sorry for what I have done... he then rose and said "My dear child... I forgave you when I died on that cross... As I was on that cross... you were on my mind." as I close my eyes I breath deep and a new peace filled my lungs... I then felt a gush of wind hit me bringing me back to reality... I then think of everything I have done and mistakes I may make in the future...
as I start to feel disappointed I remember that Jesus will be there with me through it all... no matter what!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
I don't want people to ask me if I'm a christian.... I want people to look at me and know I am!
Okay, so it's the start of a new year. January 1, 2010, around 1:00 a.m. I was sitting around the Oasis building with my friend, after the service was finished, and he asks me "What's your resolution for this year?" I thought for a second and replied "I don't really know yet." But just recently I started to really think about it.
See I have been questioned if I'm a christian or not. I hate it when I'm questioned, ESPECIALLY about that! I'm usually questioned by the people I live with. I try my best to walk the walk and talk the talk but sometimes....... It's hard....... Temptation, jealousy, anger, rage, stress, depression, ect... It can cause even the most Godly man to back slide. I have over come some things like rage, jealousy, and anger. But sometimes my anger comes back to me, and I must say it's not pretty!
I have recently started going to a different church.... Okay it was a year ago but it's still not along time. At first I didn't think I would fit in cause all these kids/teens were SOOOO into God, I just felt so terrible. I knew there was a God and I know he created the heavens and the earth, I know he created man in his image, I know he made a woman out of a man, and I know he gave his only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins but.... I didn't know a WHOLE LOT about God and I still don't to be honest with you.
I had tried so hard the past year to get closer to God. I've tried going to the prayer services at 5:00 a.m. but I soon found out I don't even know how to pray. I've always said the same prayer just added a little to it every once in awhile but it was still the same and it was only when I went to bed at night. It was always something like this "Jesus, thank you for this day, please forgive us of our sins. Please, send your angels around us to protect us and guide us, and please, give us sweet dreams. Amen." And that was pretty much my prayer.
So when I went to the prayer service, the pastor had talked about some people that had needs and people who just really need a touch from God. And as everyone went to there little spots to pray I went to the very back in a corner and tried to pray, I ended up praying for 5 minutes, while everyone else was praying for an hour. They all prayed in different ways, some walked around praying out loud, some sat in a seat and cried while saying silent prayers, some laid face down on the ground and shouted, I was just amazed and really felt out of place.
I sat there for a little while longer and studied the people, they all had different ways of praising God too. I could feel the presence of God in that room but I just couldn't get in. I was so upset. I just thought of songs that Tabitha use to sing in the church for praise and worship. I had just closed my eyes and started singing. After the prayer service my pastor came up to me and asked "Was that you that was singing?" I was freaking out I thought I did something wrong so, under my breath I replied "Yes, it was me." Then he surprised me with a big smile on his face and said "Thank you!" my eyes widened and I asked "For what?" and with that smile still on his face he said "For singing, I really felt such a sweet presence when you sang that song." I smiled back at him and said "Thank you." he then gave me a hug and went back home to rest a bit.
The next prayer service I went to I told myself, "You will pray longer this time!" I ended up praying for 8 minutes. I was so bummed after doing that for a month and not feeling anything, and feeling like I was a weak prayer warrior (as my pastor would say), I didn't like it one bit! So... I stopped going.... I know, I know. Shame on you! You shouldn't give up! But I couldn't help it... I hated feeling left out, and like I didn't even belong.
But one day my pastor ended up preaching about something that I really needed to hear. He was talking about how your not always gonna feel the presence when you sing, preach, pray, testify, ect... And your not always gonna cry, your not always gonna get goose bumps, your not always gonna get your prayers answered right away, and that it's not always gonna be easy, your gonna have trials. And he also had said that you shouldn't try and grow to be like some other christian in the church because they have a good walk with God, or because they are so anointed to sing or testify. And you shouldn't try and be like the preacher because he is so anointed to preach. You should try and grow to be like God, don't worry about not being able to get in every night, don't worry about not being able to pray like others, and don't worry about not being able to speak in tongues.
Okay, speaking in tongues comes when you get the holy ghost which is something I really want! I've been trying off and on for three years. I get so frustrated when I get around people when I'm praying in church and all these people are speaking in tongues and because they feel his presence, and I really get frustrated when kids younger then me have the holy ghost and speak in tongues. I got so frustrated one time I didn't go to the alter for months! I was so mad, upset, and frustrated cause I kept going up for prayer so that I could get the holy ghost and speak in tongues, I even tried getting baptized in freezing cold water cause I didn't want to miss my chance in becoming a better christian.
There has been so many times I've gone to the alter calls for people that wanted the holy ghost and to speak in tongues, and I NEVER got it. Something people don't know about me is I want the holy ghost more then ANYTHING! I want to be closer to God, I want to feel his touch, I want to make it to heaven, I want to spend my eternity with my heavenly father. I just have so many things that go through my head when I'm in church like, If you raise your hands to praise God people are gonna think your faking getting in. You'll be known as the faker. No one will want to be around you, you will live your life alone, and you'll be known as a faker and a liar! And those thoughts scare me! I know if I don't do what I feel, then I am faking and living a lie! But I don't want people to think that I am because I do what I feel is right and what I'm just lead to do.
So I said all of that to say this, I'm gonna try and be better. I'm not gonna think about what others think of me. I don't care if they call me a faker, liar, whatever, I'm just gonna be myself... I'm not gonna let these thoughts hold me back anymore. Lord I love you with all my heart and this year I'm gonna give myself to you! Please, help guide me and help to live for you!
Jesus died for you so....... Why not live for him?
See I have been questioned if I'm a christian or not. I hate it when I'm questioned, ESPECIALLY about that! I'm usually questioned by the people I live with. I try my best to walk the walk and talk the talk but sometimes....... It's hard....... Temptation, jealousy, anger, rage, stress, depression, ect... It can cause even the most Godly man to back slide. I have over come some things like rage, jealousy, and anger. But sometimes my anger comes back to me, and I must say it's not pretty!
I have recently started going to a different church.... Okay it was a year ago but it's still not along time. At first I didn't think I would fit in cause all these kids/teens were SOOOO into God, I just felt so terrible. I knew there was a God and I know he created the heavens and the earth, I know he created man in his image, I know he made a woman out of a man, and I know he gave his only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins but.... I didn't know a WHOLE LOT about God and I still don't to be honest with you.
I had tried so hard the past year to get closer to God. I've tried going to the prayer services at 5:00 a.m. but I soon found out I don't even know how to pray. I've always said the same prayer just added a little to it every once in awhile but it was still the same and it was only when I went to bed at night. It was always something like this "Jesus, thank you for this day, please forgive us of our sins. Please, send your angels around us to protect us and guide us, and please, give us sweet dreams. Amen." And that was pretty much my prayer.
So when I went to the prayer service, the pastor had talked about some people that had needs and people who just really need a touch from God. And as everyone went to there little spots to pray I went to the very back in a corner and tried to pray, I ended up praying for 5 minutes, while everyone else was praying for an hour. They all prayed in different ways, some walked around praying out loud, some sat in a seat and cried while saying silent prayers, some laid face down on the ground and shouted, I was just amazed and really felt out of place.
I sat there for a little while longer and studied the people, they all had different ways of praising God too. I could feel the presence of God in that room but I just couldn't get in. I was so upset. I just thought of songs that Tabitha use to sing in the church for praise and worship. I had just closed my eyes and started singing. After the prayer service my pastor came up to me and asked "Was that you that was singing?" I was freaking out I thought I did something wrong so, under my breath I replied "Yes, it was me." Then he surprised me with a big smile on his face and said "Thank you!" my eyes widened and I asked "For what?" and with that smile still on his face he said "For singing, I really felt such a sweet presence when you sang that song." I smiled back at him and said "Thank you." he then gave me a hug and went back home to rest a bit.
The next prayer service I went to I told myself, "You will pray longer this time!" I ended up praying for 8 minutes. I was so bummed after doing that for a month and not feeling anything, and feeling like I was a weak prayer warrior (as my pastor would say), I didn't like it one bit! So... I stopped going.... I know, I know. Shame on you! You shouldn't give up! But I couldn't help it... I hated feeling left out, and like I didn't even belong.
But one day my pastor ended up preaching about something that I really needed to hear. He was talking about how your not always gonna feel the presence when you sing, preach, pray, testify, ect... And your not always gonna cry, your not always gonna get goose bumps, your not always gonna get your prayers answered right away, and that it's not always gonna be easy, your gonna have trials. And he also had said that you shouldn't try and grow to be like some other christian in the church because they have a good walk with God, or because they are so anointed to sing or testify. And you shouldn't try and be like the preacher because he is so anointed to preach. You should try and grow to be like God, don't worry about not being able to get in every night, don't worry about not being able to pray like others, and don't worry about not being able to speak in tongues.
Okay, speaking in tongues comes when you get the holy ghost which is something I really want! I've been trying off and on for three years. I get so frustrated when I get around people when I'm praying in church and all these people are speaking in tongues and because they feel his presence, and I really get frustrated when kids younger then me have the holy ghost and speak in tongues. I got so frustrated one time I didn't go to the alter for months! I was so mad, upset, and frustrated cause I kept going up for prayer so that I could get the holy ghost and speak in tongues, I even tried getting baptized in freezing cold water cause I didn't want to miss my chance in becoming a better christian.
There has been so many times I've gone to the alter calls for people that wanted the holy ghost and to speak in tongues, and I NEVER got it. Something people don't know about me is I want the holy ghost more then ANYTHING! I want to be closer to God, I want to feel his touch, I want to make it to heaven, I want to spend my eternity with my heavenly father. I just have so many things that go through my head when I'm in church like, If you raise your hands to praise God people are gonna think your faking getting in. You'll be known as the faker. No one will want to be around you, you will live your life alone, and you'll be known as a faker and a liar! And those thoughts scare me! I know if I don't do what I feel, then I am faking and living a lie! But I don't want people to think that I am because I do what I feel is right and what I'm just lead to do.
So I said all of that to say this, I'm gonna try and be better. I'm not gonna think about what others think of me. I don't care if they call me a faker, liar, whatever, I'm just gonna be myself... I'm not gonna let these thoughts hold me back anymore. Lord I love you with all my heart and this year I'm gonna give myself to you! Please, help guide me and help to live for you!
Jesus died for you so....... Why not live for him?
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Random
"So why don't you think you'll get married?" my friend randomly asked me. "Well.... It's kinda awkward to talk about...." I said looking down at my cookie. "Okay, so you gonna tell me?" my friend asked eagerly. "Um... I don't think I will or at least not right now." I said as I stuffed a cookie in my mouth. "Okay, but you will tell me, right?" "Yes, I'll tell you..... Eventually." My friend gave me a weird look, then got up from the table and went downstairs to watch a movie.
~Few weeks later~
"Yeah, she'll have 4 or 5.... maybe 6." I heard my dad say as I turned the music down. "Who are we talking about?" I asked with great interest. "You of course!" my mom said with a rather large grin on her face. "Okay..... How many of what am I going to have?" I asked out of curiosity. "Kids." my dad quickly replied. "No." I quickly corrected them. "I'm not gonna have kids, I'm gonna have a chimp!" "No, your gonna have kids. We know you." my mom exlcaimed. "No! I DON'T want kids!" I said starting to get aggravated. "Well you know what? Amanda said the same thing and now she has a baby and wants to have 2 more. And Jessie said the same thing to and now she has 2 kids." my mom said in a raised voice. *What does she know!* I thought to myself. I have my reasons on why I don't want to have kids and I don't think I should have to explain it to my parents, they should just leave me alone about it and keep their thoughts to themselves.
~My reasons~
The reason I don't think I'll get married is because.... Guys like kids. Every guy I have ever met tells me how they want to get married to the perfect girl and have kids. And that's why I believe I will never get married. I don't want to have kids, not because they're bad or anything, but cause I'm just not fond of having them. I've had this talk with someone before and it was a very awkward conversation but they wanted to know. I just wish people would leave me alone about this stuff cause I'd rather NOT talk about it! I know this was kinda a random blog, but it has just been bugging me so I had to get it out.
~Few weeks later~
"Yeah, she'll have 4 or 5.... maybe 6." I heard my dad say as I turned the music down. "Who are we talking about?" I asked with great interest. "You of course!" my mom said with a rather large grin on her face. "Okay..... How many of what am I going to have?" I asked out of curiosity. "Kids." my dad quickly replied. "No." I quickly corrected them. "I'm not gonna have kids, I'm gonna have a chimp!" "No, your gonna have kids. We know you." my mom exlcaimed. "No! I DON'T want kids!" I said starting to get aggravated. "Well you know what? Amanda said the same thing and now she has a baby and wants to have 2 more. And Jessie said the same thing to and now she has 2 kids." my mom said in a raised voice. *What does she know!* I thought to myself. I have my reasons on why I don't want to have kids and I don't think I should have to explain it to my parents, they should just leave me alone about it and keep their thoughts to themselves.
~My reasons~
The reason I don't think I'll get married is because.... Guys like kids. Every guy I have ever met tells me how they want to get married to the perfect girl and have kids. And that's why I believe I will never get married. I don't want to have kids, not because they're bad or anything, but cause I'm just not fond of having them. I've had this talk with someone before and it was a very awkward conversation but they wanted to know. I just wish people would leave me alone about this stuff cause I'd rather NOT talk about it! I know this was kinda a random blog, but it has just been bugging me so I had to get it out.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Pressure
"So...... What do you want to do with your life?" asked dad trying to start a conversation. "I don't know really....... I don't like to plan out my future, cause I would be disappointed if it didn't happen the way I wanted it to." I said while playing with my hands. "Well, what about college?" he asked as we pulled into the gas station. "Um... I don't think college is for me. I mean I'm not the sharpest tool in the shead. You know?" I said as I gathered up the garbage off the floor. "I believe you're just lazy, and that you are really smart." he said as he gave me a smile. I just shrugged my shoulders and walked into the gas station to get me a coke. While searching for the cheapest coke, I started to think Well maybe dad's right, I mean I'm pretty sure I could go to college and make something of myself! But what if I fail? Then I would just disappoint mom and dad and myself! I don't want that! Then I paid for my coke and ran back to the car and didn't say a word the rest of the day.
Thursday while looking for skirts on eBay (btw I found one YAY!), my mom brought up College. "So did Timber get things worked out for college?" she asked sounding concerned. "Yeah, she's actually on her way there." I said hoping that would be the end of that. "I really hate it for her, that her parents wouldn't help her with any of that." "Yeah, that wasn't a nice thing to do." I said while looking at the skirts on eBay. "Yeah, I hope I don't have to deal with anymore of my kids going to college." "Really?!" I said with a bit of excitement. "Yes! I mean look how Jessie turned out, and Amanda. They were both perfectly fine till they went to college." she said shaking her head. "Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about doing that with me cause, I don't want to go." I said with a big smile feeling very happy that she didn't want me to go. "Well that's good. I would hate for you to turn out like Jessie, and end up messing up your life." she said with relief. Wow! I thought. I don't know what the future has in store for me. I could just as easily mess up my life just like Jessie did, if not worse. Great what if I said something or did something that could change what I do in the future? Stupid pressure! I hate having to feel like I have to please everybody, especially my mom and dad. I feel like everyone is watching me to see if or when I'll mess up on something. And here I am thinking All of this over college? I knew I didn't like talking about college for a reason! Blah... I just wish I could read minds then maybe I could please everyone and nobody would get disappointed! Sadly that's impossible... Oh well =(
Thursday while looking for skirts on eBay (btw I found one YAY!), my mom brought up College. "So did Timber get things worked out for college?" she asked sounding concerned. "Yeah, she's actually on her way there." I said hoping that would be the end of that. "I really hate it for her, that her parents wouldn't help her with any of that." "Yeah, that wasn't a nice thing to do." I said while looking at the skirts on eBay. "Yeah, I hope I don't have to deal with anymore of my kids going to college." "Really?!" I said with a bit of excitement. "Yes! I mean look how Jessie turned out, and Amanda. They were both perfectly fine till they went to college." she said shaking her head. "Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about doing that with me cause, I don't want to go." I said with a big smile feeling very happy that she didn't want me to go. "Well that's good. I would hate for you to turn out like Jessie, and end up messing up your life." she said with relief. Wow! I thought. I don't know what the future has in store for me. I could just as easily mess up my life just like Jessie did, if not worse. Great what if I said something or did something that could change what I do in the future? Stupid pressure! I hate having to feel like I have to please everybody, especially my mom and dad. I feel like everyone is watching me to see if or when I'll mess up on something. And here I am thinking All of this over college? I knew I didn't like talking about college for a reason! Blah... I just wish I could read minds then maybe I could please everyone and nobody would get disappointed! Sadly that's impossible... Oh well =(
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Wow
Ok so Sunday night, after church, I was hanging out with Cross and Sammy outside. Cross started to show Sammy something he could do on the brick wall. Suddenly it got really quiet, then I heard crying, and here comes Sammy running pass me crying and mumbling about something, then I saw Cross walking up to someone holding his arm crying. I asked Cross "What happened, did you fall down?" "No, Sammy just hit me for no reason." Cross said climbing into the back of his dad's truck. "Well I'm gonna go talk to Sammy and see why he hit you." I said as I walked into the church to question Sammy. Little did I know Sammy was talking to my dad about what had happened. "Dad, you know how the bible says when someone hits you you're supposed to turn the other cheak?" Sammy said with tears running down his face. "Yes, what about it?" Dad said wondering what his point was. "Well I hit Cross and he didn't turn the other cheak, he hit me back." My dad just sat there laughing and laughing then finally he said "Well Sammy, that's what happens when you hit a kid, they tend to hit back." Later I saw Sammy and I asked him why he had hit Cross and he said "I just wanted to fight with him so, I hit him." "Well, why did you want to fight with him?" I asked out of curiousity. "Because I wanted to play sonic, duh!" My mom tells my brothers all the time about how games like that can make kids violent, I use to laugh about that, but now, I think I agree with her. The point in me putting this blog up was because I was bored.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
