Okay, so it's the start of a new year. January 1, 2010, around 1:00 a.m. I was sitting around the Oasis building with my friend, after the service was finished, and he asks me "What's your resolution for this year?" I thought for a second and replied "I don't really know yet." But just recently I started to really think about it.
See I have been questioned if I'm a christian or not. I hate it when I'm questioned, ESPECIALLY about that! I'm usually questioned by the people I live with. I try my best to walk the walk and talk the talk but sometimes....... It's hard....... Temptation, jealousy, anger, rage, stress, depression, ect... It can cause even the most Godly man to back slide. I have over come some things like rage, jealousy, and anger. But sometimes my anger comes back to me, and I must say it's not pretty!
I have recently started going to a different church.... Okay it was a year ago but it's still not along time. At first I didn't think I would fit in cause all these kids/teens were SOOOO into God, I just felt so terrible. I knew there was a God and I know he created the heavens and the earth, I know he created man in his image, I know he made a woman out of a man, and I know he gave his only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins but.... I didn't know a WHOLE LOT about God and I still don't to be honest with you.
I had tried so hard the past year to get closer to God. I've tried going to the prayer services at 5:00 a.m. but I soon found out I don't even know how to pray. I've always said the same prayer just added a little to it every once in awhile but it was still the same and it was only when I went to bed at night. It was always something like this "Jesus, thank you for this day, please forgive us of our sins. Please, send your angels around us to protect us and guide us, and please, give us sweet dreams. Amen." And that was pretty much my prayer.
So when I went to the prayer service, the pastor had talked about some people that had needs and people who just really need a touch from God. And as everyone went to there little spots to pray I went to the very back in a corner and tried to pray, I ended up praying for 5 minutes, while everyone else was praying for an hour. They all prayed in different ways, some walked around praying out loud, some sat in a seat and cried while saying silent prayers, some laid face down on the ground and shouted, I was just amazed and really felt out of place.
I sat there for a little while longer and studied the people, they all had different ways of praising God too. I could feel the presence of God in that room but I just couldn't get in. I was so upset. I just thought of songs that Tabitha use to sing in the church for praise and worship. I had just closed my eyes and started singing. After the prayer service my pastor came up to me and asked "Was that you that was singing?" I was freaking out I thought I did something wrong so, under my breath I replied "Yes, it was me." Then he surprised me with a big smile on his face and said "Thank you!" my eyes widened and I asked "For what?" and with that smile still on his face he said "For singing, I really felt such a sweet presence when you sang that song." I smiled back at him and said "Thank you." he then gave me a hug and went back home to rest a bit.
The next prayer service I went to I told myself, "You will pray longer this time!" I ended up praying for 8 minutes. I was so bummed after doing that for a month and not feeling anything, and feeling like I was a weak prayer warrior (as my pastor would say), I didn't like it one bit! So... I stopped going.... I know, I know.
Shame on you! You shouldn't give up! But I couldn't help it... I hated feeling left out, and like I didn't even belong.
But one day my pastor ended up preaching about something that I really needed to hear. He was talking about how your not always gonna feel the presence when you sing, preach, pray, testify, ect... And your not always gonna cry, your not always gonna get goose bumps, your not always gonna get your prayers answered right away, and that it's not always gonna be easy, your gonna have trials. And he also had said that you shouldn't try and grow to be like some other christian in the church because they have a good walk with God, or because they are so anointed to sing or testify. And you shouldn't try and be like the preacher because he is so anointed to preach. You should try and grow to be like God, don't worry about not being able to get in every night, don't worry about not being able to pray like others, and don't worry about not being able to speak in tongues.
Okay, speaking in tongues comes when you get the holy ghost which is something I really want! I've been trying off and on for three years. I get so frustrated when I get around people when I'm praying in church and all these people are speaking in tongues and because they feel his presence, and I really get frustrated when kids younger then me have the holy ghost and speak in tongues. I got so frustrated one time I didn't go to the alter for months! I was so mad, upset, and frustrated cause I kept going up for prayer so that I could get the holy ghost and speak in tongues, I even tried getting baptized in freezing cold water cause I didn't want to miss my chance in becoming a better christian.
There has been so many times I've gone to the alter calls for people that wanted the holy ghost and to speak in tongues, and I NEVER got it. Something people don't know about me is I want the holy ghost more then ANYTHING! I want to be closer to God, I want to feel his touch, I want to make it to heaven, I want to spend my eternity with my heavenly father. I just have so many things that go through my head when I'm in church like,
If you raise your hands to praise God people are gonna think your faking getting in. You'll be known as the faker. No one will want to be around you, you will live your life alone, and you'll be known as a faker and a liar! And those thoughts scare me! I know if I don't do what I feel, then I am faking and living a lie! But I don't want people to think that I am because I do what I feel is right and what I'm just lead to do.
So I said all of that to say this, I'm gonna try and be better. I'm not gonna think about what others think of me. I don't care if they call me a faker, liar, whatever, I'm just gonna be myself... I'm not gonna let these thoughts hold me back anymore. Lord I love you with all my heart and this year I'm gonna give myself to you! Please, help guide me and help to live for you!
Jesus died for you so....... Why not live for him?
